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How To Have A Bad First Date

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A bad first date will ensure you never see the person you went out with again. Follow this sage advice for a really terrible, awkward first date!

You made a mistake. This person seemed great online, or when you met them at a bar, or maybe your friends tried setting you up with someone who is “totally right for you” only for you to find out that they’re totally wrong for you. You could just end the date, but you don’t want to. You’d rather just make the first date so bad that they never want to see you again. How do you have a bad first date?

Here’s how:

What She Said About A Bad First Date:

I can’t really imagine why someone would want to have a bad first date unless you wanted to re-enact the movie, “How To Lose A Guy In 10 Days.” Therefore my first question would be, why did you watch that movie? Sorry, I digress. Anyway, there are some pretty funny/crazy/sad things that girls can do that would make a first date terrible.

One thing to do is completely and utterly emasculate the guy. Offer to drive and pick him up at his place. Open the car door and all other doors for him. Call him nicknames like “little man” or “babydoll” or “shorty.” Basically put him in the role of girl or less of a man on the date and control everything! Along the lines of emasculating him, you can continue to act like a dude, a rough asshole dude. Pee in front of him, like outside in public. Burp and scratch yourself. Smell your arm pits and ask him to smell them. Call your guy friends when you are on the date and ask them what they are up too and don’t forget to tell your guy friend that you are on a date with a  hot piece of ass.

All of the above would guarantee for a bad first date because you are not only being rude, you are also switching genders on the guy. The icing on the cake would be, after acting so macho say you got the bill but then “forget” your wallet and make him pay. Another fun way to have a bad first date is just act like a crazy bitch one second and a sweetheart the next. Go bi-polar on him and he will have no idea what to do. This could (and should) include crying over a menu item or laughing over something that would be sad. You should definitely talk about ex boyfriends too and how you think they were crazy.

And sprinkle in stories during conversations about how you would follow them or watch them while they slept or anything stalker like. You can be super demanding one second and then act like you don’t care they next. Be so many different highs and lows with your emotions that they guy has as nervous break down because of you.

And lastly, if you want to have a really really bad date, talk about your booty call person. Tell the guy all about this other guy you’ve been sleeping with and how you are waiting for him to call you. Then keep your phone near by and constantly check it and get frustrated if your booty call hasn’t called yet.

There you go. It still blows my mind why anyone would want to have a bad first date but different strokes for different folks I guess. All the ideas that I have written about above should be pretty sure-fire ways to never have another date with this guy and maybe get a restraining order. Feel free to do the opposite of these ideas if you want to have a good date.

What He Said About A Bad First Date:

Nothing will endear you to a woman faster than calling her a c*nt. That right there is a guaranteed panty dropper. You can also call her fat (always a good one), spend the evening checking out women in the bar who are hotter than she is (and making it obvious so she really gets the point), or tell her that you plan on quitting your job and living off her and then sucking her dry mentally, physically and financially. Also, make sure to tell her you are incredibly bad at sex. Or that you have a small penis. That always goes well. You’re guaranteed a bad first date if you follow my plan. You’re welcome?

Ladies, if you want to have a bad first date, tell him you’re saving yourself till marriage, that you have a STD (or two or three) and you want to make sure he has it too, so you can do it bareback. Also mention you have issues, and a fetish for credit card fraud and identity theft. And that you’re more obnoxious and nitpicky than a Jewish mother. If all else fails, throw in religion, sex, and politics.

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